


2358

by koukacs



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure
Genre: Gen, Koushiro centric, Psychological, before adventure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 10:18:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5865538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koukacs/pseuds/koukacs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Koushiro found out that he's adopted but he did not know the implications of that. When he gets to know the cultural prejudice against people in his situation, his entire world changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	2358

**2358**

Two minutes to midnight. The boy was still staring at the computer screen. His pale reflex looked at him with a painful expression. He had received the machine as a gift from his father earlier that year. For his birthday. The child was so excited that he immediately started researching many different things that night. And he continued to do it, endlessly.

Constellations, Sagres School, perfect fluids, the depth of the ocean, something called Cabanagem… the answers for anything and everything that ever made him inquisitive were at the reach of his fingertips.

But that night, he had searched for something that did not bring him any joy. It was a thing he had just discovered and, despite understanding the general meaning, the boy did not fully comprehend its implications.

 _Adoption_ , he typed. The child found a forum where Japanese people discussed the subject.

_It’s so strange, I can’t understand what motivates someone to bring a child that is not theirs to their house. Isn’t there any respect for Family anymore?_

_Yes! Ugh, it’s so infuriating! Why don’t they just let the State or some institution deal with that kind of problem? Honestly, why stain your heritage like that?_

_I guess you need to be really desperate for an heir to forge some fake relationship like that. There was a couple who tried to pass a little girl for their legit daughter in my neighborhood but they were found out. No need to say that they had to start over in another town soon._

_What is even the point in adopting a kid? There’s no way they could see her as a true family member!_

_Fair enough! I can’t imagine unknowingly letting my children play with some kid who has no blood ties with anyone!_

_It’s a child disconnected from the world! A kid who can’t possibly honor their ancestors!_

_There was a couple with an adopted kid in my building and the boy was close to my daughter. He even called her “chan!” The nerve that kid had!_

_That’s the worst! Don’t they know their place? Those children can’t go around acting as if they’re the same as other children! They’ve got bad blood! They’re impure!_

Maybe it was because Koushiro had not blinked for a few minutes but his eyes ached. He felt that he had no energy to move or to do anything at all. Summoning forces where he did not have them, the boy managed to shut the computer and put it aside.

He lay in the bed and covered his head with the sheet, fully awoke.

Everything was so much worse than what he had initially thought. It had been a huge shock to listen to his parents talking about the right time to tell him that he was adopted.  To come to know that his parents were not related to him by blood and he did not have the faintest idea where he had come from had filled the boy with so much fear that he had to retreat immediately and hide in his bedroom. Koushiro did not know what to think. His parents had always been caring and loving toward him, there was no doubt about it. They always seemed so interested in how the boy’s day had been and what subjects he wanted to talk about. The very explanation given by his father for gifting the child with a laptop was “now, you don’t need to rely only on us to fulfill your need for answers.”

There was no shaming of his curious nature, on the contrary. Those two people who were not related to him and had no obligation in taking care of him were extremely kind and supportive. But, at the light of what he had just discovered about adoption, the boy was forced to revaluate how he should behave from that moment on.

Koushiro was not part of the Izumi family. His parents had risked societal shunning for taking him in. He was a lesser child, with no blood ties, impure, who could not honor his ancestors. But his parents never told him that. It was a secret that had to be kept. It was probably shameful for them.

The boy remembered how many times they had moved. The explanation for that had never been clear. But now a realistically theory came to his mind. It was possible that the secret had been discovered in all those different places.

It all came back to him. It was common for people to comment on how the boy did not resemble his parents, which usually made the couple anxiously try to change the subject. Sometimes his parents seemed to be concerned about something but they still acted as if everything was alright.

Could it be that his parents had been suffering prejudice because of him?

The child shivered. By pressing his face against the pillow, he tried, in vain, not to cry.

All those years living without any care in the world while those two adults sacrificed so much for his sake. And he called them “Kaa-chan” and “Tou-chan” as if it was the most normal thing. To think that he sometimes asked them to buy ice cream or required that his Mother cooked his favorite dish.

As if it was normal… as if it was acceptable… as if he had that right!

Koushiro was living with them because they were kind, yet he acted as if he belonged there. And how casually he talked to other children, taking it lightly when they did not show interest in his most recent “discoveries,” as if, somehow, he was entitled to bother other people with his thoughts.

He could not talk to them like that anymore. He could not behave so selfishly anymore. The boy was not entitled. He did not have any right to do so.

The next morning, his mother knocked gently on his door, like she did every day, saying “Koushiro-chan, breakfast is ready, Sweetie.”

The boy had not slept at all. His morning hygiene took longer than usual because sometimes he just froze wherever he was standing in the bathroom, thinking. It was not the delightful process that it used to be. The possible answers for his questions only made him cry under the shower.

_What if they regret adopting me?_

_What if I caused them so many problems that they hate me now, but they’re too kind to send me away?_

_Did my biological parents not want me anymore? Was I a problem to them?_

_Am I a problem to my parents now?_

He could not stop referring to those people as his parents, in spite of knowing that he should not do that. But to stop doing it would break the child’s heart. He truly loved them and they were the most important people in his life. Although they should not feel anything as strong for him.

His parents were good people going to great lengths without having to. It was about time for Koushiro to repay them somehow.

He dressed slowly and went to the kitchen. The boy sat, keeping his eyes on the table. Scrambled eggs, done the way he liked the most. He felt a wave of guilt invade him.

“You took long to get ready today, is everything alright?” He heard his mother ask in a concerned voice.

“Yes, sorry for worrying you.” Koushiro murmured.

“Son, look up to us.” His father asked.

The boy lifted his face slowly and, when he looked at his parents, he noticed horrified expressions on them.

“Your eyes are red!” His mother exclaimed, getting up from her seat and approaching him. When she was close enough, the boy could feel her fingers caressing his skin. Her touch was warm and careful. “This swollenness and the dark rings under your eyes!”

“Koushiro, did you use the computer until late?” His father inquired in a serious tone. “You know that you have to sleep properly.”

“I’m sorry…” Koushiro muttered, ashamed. His mother let go of his face and he looked down. “I won’t do that again.”

“That’s good to hear,” his father said, “we’re just concerned about your health.”

Koushiro felt a burning sensation in his eyes but would not allow himself to cry in front of his parents. He had already made them worry about him, what would they feel if they saw him crying out of nowhere? The boy kept his eyes fixated on the eggs and did not lift them until he had finished the meal.

“Son, have you decided which club you’ll choose for PE?” His father questioned. “When I was your age, I loved soccer.”

“Dear, don’t influence Koushiro to join the soccer club. He has to go to a club he’s interested in.”

“I’m not trying to influence him, I just thought he could like it.”

“I haven’t decided yet, sorry.” Koushiro replied as he left the table. “I believe Jyou-san is waiting for me already.”

“That’s right, you should hurry.” His mother said.

The boy went to his room and picked his backpack. When he returned to the kitchen, his mother was waiting for him with a bento. He kept his eyes on the brown box enveloped by white cloth while his mother kissed his cheek and wished him a good day, along with his father.

“Thank you… Okaa-san, Otoo-san…” He told them as he closed the door behind him. Koushiro stayed at the same spot for a couple of minutes and, because of that, he could listen to the conversation the two adults had inside.

“He was so distant. Why did he start calling us that?” The woman wondered, worried. “Okaa-san and Otou-san is so… formal!”

“Koushiro is just growing up. It’s normal for kids to change their behavior.”

“But something happened overnight! He’s hiding something from us, I just know it!”

“Just let him be. We have to trust our son.”

 _Son?_ Koushiro felt tears bursting out of his eyes as he heard that word again. It was like the first time he had really processed it. They did not know that he was listening and yet called him “son.” Was it just habit? He glanced down at his bento, knowing that his mother had prepared a beautiful and delicious meal for him, like she always did. Did he ever thank her enough for that? Was that too much trouble for her?

The boy wiped the tears with the back of his right hand and walked down the corridor. He found Jyou waiting for him at the entrance of the building. His neighbor had moved to Odaiba from Hikarigaoka during the same period he did. Their parents had met and came to the agreement that the two kids could walk to school together.

“I was getting worried about you.” Jyou said, looking at the boy. “Have you gotten any sleep last night? You look awful.”

“Sorry for being late… I was researching something last night.” Koushiro said, looking down.

“Don’t study until late; you need to sleep to retain the information.” Jyou advised him. They did not talk further until they entered the school. Koushiro did not think the two of them had a lot in common before. Now, it felt like they were from different planets. Jyou was from a traditional family of doctors and took heritage and traditions very seriously. What would the older boy do if he found out that Koushiro was adopted?

_Would he get angry because I let him think I was like any other kid? Would he want to stay away from me? Would he tell his parents and they would treat my parents bad?_

Koushiro was still thinking about those things when he entered his classroom and sat at the back roll. It was when he realized that he was not sure whether he had said good-bye to Jyou. Did he even thank the other boy for his company? How despicable of him!

There were two boys talking on the seats in front of him.

“I think I’m going to join the soccer club. There’s a cute girl there.”

“What is a girl doing in the boys’ soccer club? That’s not her place!”

“I’ve heard that she’s an excellent player and helps the team a lot. Of course they wouldn’t mind someone so good being there.”

That conversation got the boy’s attention and he felt a warm sensation in his heart. Even if a person did not belong somewhere, there would be no problem if the said person was of use to others? If Koushiro focused on being a good son to his parents, would it somehow compensate the rest? Would that make him less of a burden?

The teacher arrived and the lecture did not have anything objectively different from before. However, the boy looking at everybody’s backs had a growing sense of disconnection. It had been less than a day but he did not remember clearly how it felt to feel integrated in a group. Most of his interactions with the other students had to do with him bringing up curious facts. It was common for him to sit on a table where people were discussing something he found interesting and join the chat, with no ceremony. How alien that felt now. The boy did not think he would be able to simply approach someone like that anymore. Was that a bothersome behavior of his? It had to be! Had he been annoying people all that time, without a care in the world? Everything was different now. Koushiro knew that he was different from everybody.

He was singular.

Alone.

Desperation filled him when he came to that conclusion. He was alone and would always be alone! There was nobody in the world tied to him! All he could do was to live in a way that did not disturb others and to try to be helpful.

He wanted to cry but did not do it. The boy forced himself to listen to whatever the teacher was saying. It was hard to escape those thoughts.

He was alone.

During the break, the kid ate his bento by himself, in the classroom. Nobody invited him to eat, so hardly anyone had noticed any change in his behavior. They were probably glad for not listening to his voice. Koushiro thought about how people used to make fun of him and wondered if, somehow, they had sensed that there was something off about him. Even without the boy knowing, his inherent singularity could be evident to everybody. Even if the other students did not know about his adoption, they knew that Koushiro did not belong with them.

He belonged nowhere.

No ancestors to honor. No blood ties. No past.

A stain. Bad blood. Impure.

How dared he look at others in the eye? How dared he talk to them casually? How dared he act as if he was their equal?

He had to change that. He had to fix that. He had to acknowledge the distance. He had to accept solitude.

The soccer club returned to his mind. His father loved soccer, he said that all the time. If Koushiro joined the soccer club and fell in love with the sport, the boy would have that in common with his father! He would not be so detached anymore. Even in the darkest nights, when his thoughts wandered in nightmarish places, he could say “but I enjoyed soccer very much, just like him.”

Did he have that right?

But he would not cause harm to anyone by enjoying soccer!

Was he entitled to that?

His father would be happy…

Could he be in that place?

Why should that matter? Couldn’t he have just that? Was it too much to ask for that one little thing? Was it so unforgivable to want to be able to think _I love soccer, just like my father; we have that in common_?

Did he deserve that happiness?

_I can’t stand feeling like this anymore! I’ll have that! Nobody will stop me! I will have that, at least!_

The decision was made, but he could not let his parents know about the true reasoning behind it. They worried too much about the boy and he should not give them a reason to do it. Therefore, Koushiro came up with a logical explanation to enter the soccer club: it was a sport that did not depend too much on individual skill and required group work, so the boy would be able to assist the other players the best way he could. It was convincing! After school, he headed home and told the adults what he had decided. His father was clearly happy to hear that, a sight that made the boy smile for the first time that day. His mother had a concerned look.

“Are you really not doing this just to please your father?” She asked.

“No, I really do want to play soccer.” Koushiro did not feel that he was lying. In fact, he believed his voice had a bit of enthusiasm.

“Okay, then.” His mother said, giving him a nod. The boy was about to go to his bedroom when the woman added, in a serious tone:

“You can talk to us about anything. If you have a problem… if something is troubling you… you know that you can tell us, right? We’ll help you the best way we can.”

Koushiro’s lips trembled as he tried to sustain a smile. In the end he had to look at the floor.

“I know. Thank you, Okaa-san.” He muttered, heading to his bedroom. There, he closed the door behind himself and went to bed. The turned off laptop was over the sheet. The boy turned it on, desiring to look for something to distract his mind. It was hard to do it in the first hours. His thoughts kept going back to how he should improve himself. He should be humble, he should be helpful, he should not disturb anyone and, if he did, he should apologize.

He went to his internet history and clicked on an old link, which made him be redirected to a site about constellations. To think about the magnitude of the stars put his heart at ease. In perspective, everything was so small and insignificant. Despite all the cruel things humanity created to categorize people, the universe was beautiful.

The laws of Physics and Mathematics… Chemistry, Biology… there was so much beauty out there. There was so much wonder! Why close himself in things that only brought him pain? Who would that benefit? He did not have to feel that pain. He had a universe to explore at the reach of his fingertips.

The next day, Koushiro enrolled in the soccer club, where he met a boy named Taichi. He introduced the redhead to a girl named Sora, whom Koushiro realized had been the one his classmates had talked about.

As the days passed, he thought less about the implications of being adopted and allowed himself to once again talk about what fascinated him. He had developed a more polite speech pattern and become more reclusive, but the people he met on the soccer club made him feel that he was not so detached from everything. Taichi-san, especially, showed enthusiasm for the things the smaller kid knew… that made the boy feel that, maybe, he was not that much of a problem.

Koushiro began to smile more and his parents seemed to become less concerned. The boy immersed himself in the world of the computer, where he would look for answers that would make his heart race in excitement.

Everything would be alright as long as he kept running from his problems. If he could, he would run forever, with a smile on his lips, with complex concepts dancing on his tongue and fascinating dreams filling his mind.

Everything was good. There was no sadness. Nor was there any loneliness keeping him awake at night.

Koushiro repeated that to himself daily, when the clock marked 23:58 and he was still researching things he would discuss the next day with Taichi-san. The boy stared at his reflex on the computer screen and smiled.

_The world is beautiful._

That was what he wanted to believe in.


End file.
